New concept

first off TF2 server closed.

Secondly, read this, this is what this blog will now mainly be made of, so it will be update very irregularly with none of this, just sections from my textbook document that this is held in, as I update it.

After this it may wait until the summer is over for another update, thats tough.

I didn't plan to post this, I never did, I just felt a need, as I've had an urge to share my inner, I suppose you could call them "Demons" with others and show everyone who I really am, I'd say enjoy but I doubt that suits it.

I am writing this with no intent to ever post it, yet I feel I may need to share it with someone at some point soon, just so that it doesn't build up, and up, and up, so that I can let it all out, and breathe easily again, just so that I can feel someone's at least had a reading into my insight of what goes on in my head, why I am who I am, and what makes me that way.

I'm writing this in note-pad, so that if it does get posted, it will hopefully have several different times of me writing in it, some will most likely be more depressed, some happier, hell my entire outlook on life may change as soon as I start college, but for now, I hate it.

My life is not a good one, albeit not a bad one, I personally loathe it. I have very few social skills, and often, even when I'm with good friends mostly, and maybe one or two that I do not know particularly well, or have just met, I will be the quiet one, in comparison to my usual self, this means that I find myself picturing conversations and how they would go if I said what I truly thought on a subject, expressed an opinion, started a topic of discussion with my everyday friends and the acquantances that I find along the way, usually as a direct result of these people.

This scares me, I find myself laying at night, often pondering on conversations during the day asking myself "but what if I'd just asked?" "what if I hadn't said that?" "what did they really mean?" slowly becomming more scared of what not only acquantances, but what my close friends may truly come to think of me if I let them in and truly disclosed to them, showing my inner-most self. This leads me to a fear of being alone, as I have often sat and become depressed, (quite badly at times but that is for another time, probably when I am in such a state) over the fact that I can't bring myself to ask her, or do the things that so many others can, finding myself pondering what the point is anymore, if all I do is go out with the same people, or sit at home alone, in the dark, with my "scary" music on that so many people have judged me on, guessed what I'm like and who I am, why I'm me and what I think. This makes me very anxious of meeting new people, and I personally am terrified of what will happen the first time I go into that college, and into the chosen classes, one of which I know only of one person who I'm comfortable talking freely to is taking, having to meet new people, know new friends, find new clicks, new groups of us who share the same core ideals, and then be afraid of not only revealing what I am infact really like to not only my good friends who've been with me through thick and thin, but also to them, so I don't become the social outcast, the one kid at the back who no-one talks to, the guy that never seems to fully get "it", whatever it may be at the time.

Infact, out of all my friends currently I do believe only one truly has a single glimpse or has had a slight look into what I am really like, who I am and why I'm me, because I had to tell someone, to share the problems and pains that I have had in the past, and present, to let him know that I have fought through it and plan to do so again, yet always wishing that I never had to, so that I could lead a semi-normal life, and not be as wierd and strange as I am, to take things so personally and be so socially awkward around most people that I know. This man is the only person who knows of my bouts of paranoia, which used to be quite regular as I studied for my GCSE's and died down through-out the exams, the paranoia that came with the voices, that lead me to read up on it and find out why I may be having these thoughts and what the second, irregular voice represented. This man also is a good friend who urged me to get help, and now knows why I am silent and sit looking ever so depressed at times, and what causes it, as I monitor my thoughts making sure that if my paranoia is infact correct, then nothing embarassing or humiliating would ever happen to me due to it. I know that this is all in my mind, and how stupidly crazy it is.

Often I have gotten in, sat on my bed and broke into tears over the fact that I've spent the best part of the day trying to make sure that if someone could broadcast or read my thoughts they didn't hear anything I didn't want them to, and how my life is so terrible, the fact that I had often been taken as a target of people who would sit and laugh at others for the way they looked, the way they talked, the reasons they did the things they do, made me paranoid of this.

As for today, I've lost my track, and yet I feel a great weight lifted, almost as great as knowing that a friend cares about you after you reveal these facts to them, that you are infact "batshit insane" and the things you've mumbled in passing before and have all laughed off are infact true and not just crazy lies that Dave made up, that he said to laugh along with how everyone pictured him.

But infact, that the way they all made him out to be was right, not so much a psychopath, but man, I have problems.

A quote from Reddit the other day, which personally reached out to me as I feel this way aswell, this was the first time I have seriously read Suicide Watch or Need A Friend,

"Yet, my problems collude to form one identity, and that's the part of me I can't stand. I want it gone, but the task seems impossible at best."

Hypo.